| that feeling |
[21 Mar 2006|09:01pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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You know that feeling after you kiss someone. I mean really kiss someone and it is...really really good. The kind of kiss that washes over you and makes you swoon to even remember. The kind that makes you beam and smile every time you think about it. The kind of kiss that seems so unreal and yet makes you feel so alive. The kind of kiss that seems like it would be in a movie or have music playing in the backround. That out of body experience type of kiss...
And then afterwards, you start to crave it. Your body aches for it. Your mind clouds with it. All you can think of is that...that kiss. Your senses scream for it...and replay over and over in your mind. And you think that for a second...for perhaps just a second, you saw something so perfect it makes you scared to even think about.
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| i don't actually feel this way, but... |
[21 Mar 2006|08:13pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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Wow, so i couldn't sleep last night, at all, so for some reason I made up this poem (if you will). PS I NEVER ONCE SAID I WAS A POET (it sucks and i just wrote it here for myself so don't feel any inclination to read it @_@)
No man is an island, but I am no man. I am alone an island rooted as the oceans of life swirl around me. The palm trees swaying in the warm breeze are my finger tips reaching to the forever untouchable sky. My breath is the tide coming in and out slowly. My hair is the golden sand sparkling under the sun's rays, rapping around the shore. The grasses are my eye lashes blinking off to the horizon for a future and a dream that is only that, just a dream...
::cough:: if you actually read that, told you. ok now go off and do something besides hanging on myspace (unless you leave me a comment or message that is ^_^)
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| The daylight is fading slowly |
[14 Jan 2006|11:37am] |
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mood |
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 defient |
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I hate being confined. And I can't help to escape because they have forced me to be so dependant on them. They won't let me drive. I can't date who I want. I can't do anything. How am I supposed to mature and grow if they keep me here confined to this glass prison? How am i supposed to have a relationship if I can't date people I want to. And I can't make a big deal out of it. Then I would be childish and that is exactly what they want. No I won't get trapped. I know nothing will come of it. I am not that foolish. I know, but that I have no chance at all. No option. No "maybe". I hate them for that. I don't even want to be near them. Sure I pretend to conform. I pretend to nod and smile, but it is all superficial. The more they confine me, the stronger I grow, the more defiant my spirit grows. I only have one last year. Maybe I won't tell her everything. Let's see how that goes. I want to scream. I want to leave. I want to get up and leave, but i can't. That is what I hate the most, I can't get away from it. It makes me sick, my cowardness. I want to escape from them. I need to be on my own. I feel sufficated by them, especially her. I feel like a slave morally bound to her by all she "does". she does the laundry, only because she won't LET anyone else do it and thus we must all be grateful. "Yes master" "No master" "I must obey my master" Fuck that. Fuck it all. I am sick and tired of it all.
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| confusion is nothing new |
[30 Aug 2005|08:02pm] |
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mood |
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 this is so complicated |
] |
It seems as though much time as past since my last entry, as I guess it has. So much has happened too. But I will not go off about my exploits over the summer, learning to surf, studing film, meeting Matt. What I need to focus on now is what is currently at hand. The confusion I am facing right here and now, for I feel if I am unable to truly vent I will surely go crazy. As cliche as it might sound, I realized I still care deeply for Chris, much deeper than I had thought. It had been building up and at the funeral, I realized how much I feel for him. But my oppertunity has passed I guessed. I am still his friend, though, an improvement from before. But I think he likes Meg. Who wouldnt? She is smart, pretty, funny, sweet...there is nothing in the world wrong with her. so if he actually has fallen for her, I understand. What I don't understand is this swell of jealousy the fills me up in side when I think about that. This is so messed up. and then on top of it all, there is evan. The guy at swing who I made out with (still can't believe that happened ::sigh:: = [ ), who is supposidly this big player who according to shell and liz, i shouldn't go o ut with. I don't know about anything anymore. I am completely going with whatever happens, though I have to call evan back. Ugg, i feel gross. i made cookies and had some of the batter which was good, but i feel really yucky today. Who knows why. Ya know, I am glad I didn't get a myspace so far, cuz I like this so much better. I mean and now no one goes on it, so I don't have to worry baout upsetting ppl who I mention = b. Oh well. The whole thing is really stressing me out, and that is bad, so I am just going to go with what ever happens. hmm...Chris is in my english class. Wow,the utter decay of my writing never cesses to horrify me. I peaked in 9th grade, and it has been down hill from there. I blame it on "him". He stole my creativity for himself. I am trying my best to get in shape. I look pretty hot, I will admit, at times. But today I just felt blahhh. Actually I thought I looked pretty good at the funeral. Like Chris would have been proud to say he went out with me, if that makes sense. I was crying so much. It was horrible. There was a shroud of sorrow that blanketed the room. He was really happy we all came. I actually made him and niko sweets to give them tomorrow as a "I wanted to do something special cuz you guys both mean a lot to me ::hug::" gift. Well, I should probably go to bed. ::yawn:: I will try not to think about the problem.
"From the time that I could talk, I was ordered to listen." - cat stevens
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[28 Feb 2005|01:29pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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Why do I feel so empty? I feel like I am in a dream or something, like I am not really here. Everything I do is just going through the motions of living, but in the process not actaully experienceing life. I remember reading "Catcher in the Rye" last year. Ms. Gray made the comment that he felt like a shaddow going through the world without a purpose and not making an impact in any way, lol, i guess I really relate. I always find other peoples problems are more interesting than mine, or even easier to solve. Maybe that is because I am jsut trying to run away from my insecurities and fear. I don't like dealing with things. I mean I am very curious, but for somethings you just have to let them be. (class ended im off)
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[25 Feb 2005|04:10pm] |
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mood |
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 emotionless |
] |
Finally the weekend. Wow, this week sucked majorly. I think i did well on my test though, herez hoping. Practice tonight. Really bored. I think I am going to draw, or go to Suncoast and get some manga, yay manga.
"In this world of lies and deciet, or pain and hurt, what is there left to live for?"
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| better day |
[24 Feb 2005|03:36pm] |
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mood |
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 so much to do, so little time |
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Ok after a shitty week, today was actually very good = D I feel rested when I woke up (wow when was the last time that happened X_X). I had a good breakfast. I feel good about my tests and I got to wear free dress (though ok i kinda looked like a Stepford wife = b lol). I get to go to Annapolise over Easter break, score! I want to try out for yearbook. It would be fun ^_^. Talking to Julie right now. It always feels good to vent to someone. I can trust her completely...it is really nice to actaully have that. We help each other out. Lol, we go way back.
Have you ever wanted to believe something, and say you believe it, but something in your mind questions if it is real or not. Something in my heart says it is, but the way I've been raised i don't know. Maybe we aren't supposed to know what is up there, or what happens to us afterward. I mean, i am physically incapable in completely 100% believing in something/someone. i feel like I am putting a jigsaw pussle together in the dark. But I will figure it out. Anywho, OMG, my Church History group is a bunch of dumb bitchy retards! I had a nice convo with Alex, Lauren and Amanda at World History. Never really talked iwth any of them (ex for Lauren). That was interesting.
Project Runway was so awesome last night. Ooooo Jay won, he was awesome. Go jay! woot! Well, ttfn!
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| happyness |
[18 Feb 2005|02:39pm] |
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mood |
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 ::big smile:: |
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Yay, i am in such a good mood. I miss everyone, though, esp lizzy = (. O well, 3 day weekend! Yay, I am hyper and feel pretty, lol, unlike I have in a very long time. the English assessment was really easy ^_^ yay! I hope I get it ::Crosses fingers:: comp apps was heka boring (ZzzZZzZZzz). Off to do some HP research, lol, i am such a geek. O and i want ot continue later that story that I had started to write a long time ago.
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| no dance |
[26 Jan 2005|01:11pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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ok, itz official, Chris isn't takeing me to the turnabout, thus i can't go. i am sorry but that he told me on his birthday really sucks and I am still very upset. he is such a loser, ::grumbles::. ;:cries:: no I have shed too many tears over him. this sucks. he's a jerk. 'My good opinion once lost is lost forever' and "I" felt gulty! At least this is showing what great friends I really have = ) I am in comp next to bugs. Lunch was funish. Chris was kinda extra blah and I found out that I can't go out with him till he gets a 3.5 in other word till he gets his next report card. ok, what should I do...i want something from him he can't give me. Should I dump him, i mean, over time slowly. Well until then, im not kissing him or hugging him (with the excpetion of hello and good-bye possibly) until he doessomething, anything, so I know what the hell is going on. shit crap damn fucking damn. For the past couple days, it felt like the scene in the Graduate, after everything is over and they are on the bus and it is like "what now?". So what now...what should I do now...
...happy birthday
`````````````````````````````````````````
You promised me you wouldn't do this,
You promised me you'd always be here.
I belived every word,
every devotion of how much you care.
I trusted your every word,
I gave you my heart and soul.
Only to have you toss it away.
left with this great hole.
I cried too many tears for you.
Lying away too many nights.
I wanted to still have faith in you,
My heart raged many fights.
But I can no longer do this struggle.
I can no longer bare this cross.
Forgive me for saying this, but
"Fuck you, itz your loss!"
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| stupid stupid pointless sucky damn f-ing crab feed which has cause me a major bitchy outburst |
[21 Jan 2005|07:45pm] |
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mood |
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 go fuck a tree |
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The crab feed absolutely sucked. My feet hurt. I was hungry. It was just Sam and I and I barely saw the infamous Mr. Chris Hensley the entire time! GAH! ::grumbles:: ok, we held hands for like 5 minutes and he kissed me on the cheek, but come on. I want more attention than that!!! I swear! = / I need comfort food badly, mac adn cheese followed by homemade peanut butter cookies. ...I probably won't even see him tomorrow ::shakes head:: I am grouchy so don't piss me off or I'll *beep*ing beat the *beep* out of you. I feel like being a pouty bitch and all girls are entitles to every once and a while acting in such a manor. It is my birthday too on tues. so i can act now esp. princess like. I didn't eat this week, so a weekend of not caring what i eat won't be a major set back, and even if it isn't idc, i now must go and drown my feelings in mac and cheese, and so I will end this with the ever inspiring and immortal words of Elizabeth Johnson "GO FUCK A TREE!". out.
"I feel like we're breaking into the school...like this is James Bond or something." - Sam
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| crab feed tonight |
[21 Jan 2005|02:42pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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hey ya'll finals are finaly over, praise the lord! This week certainly has been different though. Ok, let me tell you lal about yesterday. I had the World History which was a piece of fucking cake since she had actually given us the test and all the answers to it the week before. BTW shez a bitch. The English final sucked to no end. I asked chris to turnabout and he said "ya, if I have a 3.5" @.@ what a loser! = b I really do think that it is easier to not have a boyfriend, but then again i haven't gone out on a date yet, so IDK. AFter school it was Chris, Niko, Michelle, ian, Nate, Todd, Russ and Liz. First though Niko, Chris and I were corecting finals, ok Niko was and i was kinda using the points on Chris :-P hehehe anyways then wemet up with everyone else and then chris kissed me when everyone was walking away so we were a little...distracted... So then we spent a good 15 minutes trying to find them. It was wie4rd though becasue well Chris was all over me today. I mean he was heka horny =-/ Anywasy then Ian and shellie left. It was so much fun, even with out them. Chris had his arm around me. We were all being perverted, though. Nate is an awesome, guy though. But, ya, Chris was being interesting and i am still in shock how freaking horny he was. I had never seen him like that. Wierd. Anywasy, then it was just lizzy, todd, nate and I. I was beating Todd up with a stick thingy, lol. Russ came and he ruined a perfeectly good milkshake. We were talking about opposite gender names of what we were supposed to be called. Im alex. Actually i was supposed to be Peter, but that doesn't fit me at all. Anyways, then liz came over and we listened to POTO and all. After eating taco bell, we went to the mall for like 4 hours or so. We had a really good talk. God we needed some friend time, last time we had an oppertunity like that was in Oct. Anywasy we had coffee and sat outside Bud's Cafe for like an hour. We say the ribbit man too. She got a heka cute shirt as did I ^.^. We tried on turnabout dresses, god were there some ugly ones @_@. Then we came home and we went to her house. After playing the Pride and Prejudice game (she won), we watched Eurotrip, it was so funny. After wanting friends ep.s we stayed up till about 3 talking. it was lots of fun. The next morning we played Kingdom Hearts, made jewelry and had fun. I left at about 1ish. Came home and am getting ready for the crab feed. Kinda nervous. i get to see Chris. He just kinda wierded me out yesterday...= / oh well havet run. peace ::muah::
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[18 Jan 2005|08:20pm] |
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mood |
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::giggles:: |
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hello, hello, hola, im at a place called Virtago! lol, hey, ya'll takeing a break from finals to update. Wow, these past couple weeks have been great, lol, 1 month since he kissed me, yay!!! ::giggles happily:: Finals suck i got a D on my spanish final ::cries:: but i think i did well on Bio ^.^ chris and i are going great so far and i plan to ask him to turnabout tomorrow! ::determined look:: well off to atudy for math, tata! peace...
"Anywhere you go, let me go, too. Love me...thatz all i ask of you..." -POTO
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[04 Jan 2005|08:59am] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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yay, in computer app and he let us go on the internet, o the simple joys of life. I am really confused with all the drama though. I don't know where Chris and I stand, are we a couple, aren't we? Does he even still like me? He was acting like he did before all this yesterday and I'm worried and the Michelle is totally freaking out on us all. What happened to her??? ::cries:: She has changed, i don't even know her anymore. Then Im worried about my other friend who had a bad instance with a jerk, grrr... God, i want Chris to at least still act like he LIKEs me! I want him to kiss me, hard. TO actually take charge of the sitiuation. Even if we have to wait to go out, i want him to kiss me and make me feel the way he did before. Is that so much to ask? Why can't guys ever act on their feelings, why the hell do they have to pretend liket they don't even fucking have feelings, GAWD! But, life still isn't all bad, i m working hard at school, even if I am stil a bit behind. Im on good terms with friends and family. I even have been loosing wieght and clearing up my skin, yay. I made a bunch of resolutions and will post them later, lol, but right now I only have one wish, that Chris will put his arm around me at break and after school kiss me. I need that, I need him...
btw, Mrs. Darcy, you rock, woot, whatz up, feeling random so thought I'd ask. Dancing will be soooo much fun! Michelle is scaring me and makeing me cry. See you next period in World History, the lost class...dun dun duhhhhhh! = b Feeling happy and jolly and very hyper, i guess that coke I had has yet to wear out, lol, and that ws yesterday! aahhhhh! I feel like bursting out into song, oh no, but shellie won't sing becuase Michelle is too cool for that ::cries:: "where has my shellie gone? long time passing, where has my shellie gone? Long time ago, where has my shellie gone? Off to become mean and a completely different person everyone! when will she ever learn, when will she ever learn...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Peace ya'll
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| ::giggles:: |
[21 Dec 2004|10:28pm] |
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mood |
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loved |
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In a world of dreams, I am no longer left out in the cold. Your warmth led me home...to where I belong. Looking into your eyes, all fear, all self doubt is abandoned. I know this is right. I know in your arms is where I am supposed to be.
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| confused |
[09 Dec 2004|10:54pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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Blah blah blah, sry for not updating in so long @.@ wow, drama is confusing I mean, especially when it is a "he said or she said" or also a "he knows that I know that he knows that I know that he knows" which saddly enough are both going on right now between my friends and I. @.@ ::falls over:: ::cries:: Why can't life just be simple, oh well, I guess then nothing would happen...you would also never get hurt. I don't want to get hurt...not again, is it wrong to not want another scar to my endless list...I know I will be, it just hurts to think about it : ( Rose City was fun : ) we won! GO CARDNIALS! woot! 54 or so to 34, take that Casa Grande = b, lol. Anyways, I give up. I can't stop feelings, damn that, but I know nohting can evr happen @.@ ::sigh:: shit, I leave it up to the rivers of Fate. and then there is drama drama drama with ashley and liz and shellie, nothing too bad, but still drama is prevelent this christmas season. @.@ oy, the xmas party will be interesting with Shellie, Ian, pat, Ashley, Kaitrin, Liz, and possibly Chris and Niko.
"i knew I was out of luck, the day the music died"
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[30 Nov 2004|09:35am] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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Yes!!! Im in the library during 3rd period. You know why? Because the fumes in Jordan's room were making me "sick", actually I felt like I couldn't breath. but the fact remains that i get to skip World History! ^.^ Okay, woe, itz been so long since I've updated. Thanksgiving was good. I leave tonight to fly out to Philly. Tata school!!! = b aww I feel bad for all of thosse people who have to stay here = b Yesterday was so much fun after school (it had ben "red day")Chris, Niko, Russ, Ian and I hung out till 4.
::shakes head:: Is it wrong to want to be more than friends with a person? What if that person can only see you that way? :;sigh:: I don't know...gal;ha;hfalhfdl;hsdltkghalksdha;kdfk;hflkajklfhlkajhfaljfgjh
...Look into my eyes and say that I don't love you...
Blue day today. Only third period. Spanish quiz next as well as Bio quiz...damn...i think Russ thinks I'm incredibly perverted, like guy perverted...ok well maybe, but still : / lol
boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooored
Got 6 hours of sleeplast night. Slight headache.
don't feel like writing, C ya!!!
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[23 Nov 2004|05:47pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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Good bad day. I believe when something bad happens that is compensated by something much much better. Today that was the case. After a bad day with loosing my purse and book and the finding them in various lockers, after school was so good. ::sigh:: I went to Buns and Burgers with some other ppl. Omg, Niko was afraid of getting raped by scary ppl, and totally freaked when Chris and I ran across the street. Chris did his sex hair and was recieving MANY strange looks. hmmmmmm...omg...shit...I just realized something. No wait, i didn't realize anything, hehe, and that is what im making myself believe. I can't...I can't because he could never...no matter how much...nvm.
= b = b = b = b = b = b = b = b = b
Ok, I ask for your advice, in the hypathetical situation of a girl liking a guy and the girl knowing the giy could probably never see her that way, but the girl can't help but feel that way for the guy, like it hurts when he is in pain, her emotions are so keyed to his. What should the girl do? BTW the girl wouldn't hurry anything so probably the girl should just see how this plays out, but want to know what everyone thinks.
"I just contain this feeling..."
Tata yall ::mwah::
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[19 Nov 2004|03:57pm] |
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mood |
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loved |
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Hey! Sry for the sad entries lately @_@. back to normal or @least normal for me, lol. Yesterday was great. Cute guys r cuter w/ their shirts off, i hate barker, clark is a hick, not wanting to force i relationship, i have set in my mind that someone doesn't like me like that. talk about a run on sentence...lol, sry rushing. I love ya'll. Off to pamper myself for father daughter, bye!
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[16 Nov 2004|04:00pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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Okay, I've decided, I'm giving up on ever having a relationship. I really wasn't meant for the whole thing, @ least right now. Maybe this is a sign for me to become a nun, lol, but considering im not the holiest person, and I like guys to much, me joining the clergy would be v. v. bad. But to hell with high school relationships. No one in their right mind who wasn't a perv. or v. v. strange would make an effort to develope one w/ me. Oh well. Wish could just go to bloody college. See why many ppl have chosen that certain path of leaving early. Today was v. nice. Slept a lot, but felt quizy and almost colapessed ever time I stoud up...v. v. bad. Need change, thinking of starting a new hobby. Open mind to new things. Feeling v. piggish w/ not going to WP. slightly depressed, will pass. Didn't go to school today, obviously. After watching Briget Jones' diary repeatedly, see may similarities. Considring if she can win the heart of Mr. Darcy I should be able to find my prince charming eventually, right? Course she had to go through a whole bunch of losers, hope isn't sm case for me. New strike from any sort of romantic relationship, which mostly pertains to the mear thought of it seeing I really don't have much experience, should prove helpful. Following Fairy Tale mentality of going all of life prior alone till privital moment where in prince comes sweeping you off your feet, not a liar cheat perv. Filled with new conifence; don't have to worry about it. All have to do is live my life and let it happen.
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[15 Nov 2004|09:07pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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Everything I do is cursed. Not only am I doomed in love, I'm doomed in life. In what depths of evil was I forged, on what sacrificial way of life was I raised? I don't recognize my reflection...Who am I? I try and be somebody but it is like I'm playing a game I don't know how to and can't manage to learn...and don't want to. I want to leave. Save me, please. Isn't there a knight in shining armor coming to rescue me? I guess I am alone...now not only mentally but physically. I just want to fade away. I do nothing right. I mess everything I start doing right up. I hate the person I am, not that I am that terrible, I just no longer know me. I need to leave. Maybe I can convince my parents to move...or even if I live with my aunt and uncle for a while. I think subconsciously I am afraid of getting close to people. I always mess it up..."who could ever learn to love a beast?"
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